Setting Limits and Communicating Them to Children

Total words: 1215

Humans are not born knowing how to behave. They are born immature, impulsive and undisciplined. That's why they have parents - to teach them what is expected, to set rules and standards for approved conduct and to define and enforce consequences for behavior.
The word "discipline" actually means "to teach." The discipline you use to get your child to behave teaches her about herself and about her relationship with others. Good discipline sets limits and rules and helps a child focus on how to follow rules. Children require firm, loving boundaries in order to feel safe and learn the effects of their behavior on others.

When you set limits for your children, you demonstrate your love and concern for them. Setting limits tells a child, "I care about you, and I want you to be safe. I want you to act responsibly so that you will learn to get along happily with others." Limits are like the guardrails on a bridge-they provide a sense of security. Children need and want guidance and limits until they can depend on themselves to make appropriate choices. Children depend on their parents to set up the limits of how much (TV can I watch?), how late (can I stay up?), how many (new outfits can I have?) when (do I need to be quiet?), and where (can I go without you?). As children grow their boundaries need to expand. Be careful not to overwhelm your children with rigid controls.

You do not need to be your child's friend. You need to be their parent-firm and fair, offering love and limits. Your reasonable limits and consistent follow through cause a greater, not a lesser, sense of security and love with in your child. Say what you mean, firmly and kindly, and consistently do what you say.

Core reasons for setting limits for children:
Limits provide a sense of security. When children don't know your limits they feel lost in an abyss. They feel confused and sometimes literally bounce around trying to find some.
Limits make children feel like we care about them. Children who are raised without limits often feel abandoned.
Children need limits to learn how to deal with conflict. What happens when someone tells me I have over stepped his or her limits? *What happens when someone disrespects mine?
Children need limits to help them define themselves. They help them clarify their own limits because they have seen your model.
Limits help them to learn what is socially acceptable and what is not.
Children need to learn that if they go past a certain point, there
Carefully select the limits you think are necessary and consider the child's point of view. The limits you set should:
Protect children from physical harm. An example would be keeping a child away from a hot iron.
Protect property. For example, showing your child how to properly use the television.
Protect children and others from psychological harm. For instance, teaching children how to put their feelings into words.

Before you set a limit, ask yourself: "Is this rule really important? Am I willing to deal with the conflicts that will occur if my child disregards the limit?" Parents who set too many rules can overwhelm their children with too many demands. You are more likely to be effective if you focus on those rules you believe are most important.

You also need to be certain the limits you set are reasonable. You must consider whether your children are able to do what is expected of them. It is not reasonable, for instance, to require a toddler to keep their room clean or expecting a 10-year-old to always remember their table manners.

Young children desperately want to please their parents by doing what is expected of them. They believe in their parents and believe they know what's best for them (even if they don't always act as though they believe it). Because of their confidence in parents, if children are given an unreasonable limit, they may conclude that there is something wrong with themselves rather than with the limit. Children who feel this way are likely to develop low levels of self-esteem. Later, when they become aware of the unfairness of unreasonable limits, these children may lose respect for their parents and become distrustful of all adult authority. You can judge whether a limit is unreasonable by observing the way your children act. They may try their best but still fail, or they may show no sign of being able to perform the task. Remember, if children can't be good at succeeding, then they are easily tempted to be good at failing. With this in mind, always remember to set limits so your children can succeed.

State your limits clearly and simply. A clear limit tells a child exactly what is expected and when. You can't blame your child for failing to follow instructions if the instructions were not clear in the first place.

Limits will also be more effective it they emphasize the possible-tell a child what to do rather than what not to do. To give your child a better understanding of what is allowed as well as what the limits are, for instance say "Play in the yard, not in the street" instead of saying" Don't play in the street."

When children become angry and act destructively, parents are likely to think first of negative limits: "Don't hit your sister!" "Don't throw things!" But children need positive limits to help them deal with their emotions. Besides the "don'ts," you might also say, "When you feel angry, tell me how you feel-say your angry!" This shows the child another way of handling anger.

Limits must be consistently applied and enforced. Children are more likely to respect limits when they realize their parents mean what they say. If you expect your children to brush their teeth before bedtime, you must maintain this limit everyday. Limits, however, can and should be revised if circumstances change. Consistent limits are dependable. They provide security and direction for children. If a child is told not to do something one day, allowed to do it the next and then punished for doing it the next, he or she will never know exactly what is really expected. A child's respect for parents and for authority in general is likely to diminish if parents keep changing the rules and are inconsistent in enforcing them. Once a limit is set, make it clear when it applies-one time, some of the time, or all of the time. For instance, we might say to our children, "Never play in the street," or "We don't have enough money, so no ice cream today," or "Don't go to Susie's house around dinner time. They are busy then."

The ultimate goal in setting limits is to help children develop self-control and self-direction. You can show confidence in your children's abilities by talking with them about problems and by encouraging them to suggest guidelines for their own behavior. Perhaps you and your child together could discuss and then decide on an appropriate bedtime routine. A decision, in which the child has taken part in, helps the child understand and accept the limits.

By involving your children in setting limits, your are more likely to gain their cooperation and this also provides them with experience and practice in decision making.

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